China Doll

My neighborhood is full of sketchy and/or disturbed characters. One weekend afternoon, I encountered separately two people (within the span of minutes) who were ranting loudly about something to no one in particular. I hope I never turn that crazy, I thought. But at the same time, I recalled reading somewhere that parents shouldn't worry if their toddlers talk to themselves, that talking to themselves actually helps children learn to sort out their thoughts and develop problem-solving skills.

I also realized that I talk to myself all the time. "Ok, Suzanne, you can do it! You can push on for six more hours and finish this draft! You can do four more pushups!" I just don't do it out loud, not in public anyway.

As I was contemplating the thin line that may or may not exist between myself and the people I deemed crazy, I encountered a hideous older guy sitting on a bench.

"Hey China doll!" he said as I was approaching the sidewalk near the bench. I was fairly certain I was the only Asian girl in a radius of about 30 meters around him, but he didn't appear to be looking directly at me. I ignored it.

"Hey China doll! Come here, my little China doll!" he said again as I walked closer to his bench.

It was now clear he was talking to/about me. Again, I avoided eye contact and ignored him as I walked past him.

I suddenly pictured certain ex-boyfriends of mine. This would be their future, if they did not take steps to curb their Asian fetishes. One day they would end up homeless/jobless and would spend their days sitting on a bench half drunk, looking ugly and sketchy. And they would do things like yell out "hey China doll!" at women/girls half or a third their age who walked by. I shuddered, but also engaged in a moment of self joy. I was grateful for having exited their lives before they got to that point. I started smiling again.

"Hey China doll!" The guy on the bench yelled again at me.

I began fantasizing about scaring him. I find that it is really easy to scare people when you are a small girl, especially if you are Asian. People hold strong stereotypes about small Asian girls, for example, that you are sweet, like to giggle a lot, and speak in really soft tones. Or maybe that you will offer anyone a "massage" for under $5.

All I have to do to scare people, I found, is disappoint their expectations. I wondered what would happen if I lunged at him the way we are taught to lunge forward in sparring practice in Taekwondo class. I imagined the guy on the bench flinching. I even thought about what kick I could pretend to throw to make him jump out of his seat.

I suddenly felt strong and fierce. But I also remembered that it is not necessary to do or pretend to do anything physical to scare people. Again, it only takes disappointing their stereotypical expectations of me. One trick is to glare at them, signaling very strongly that I am not going to giggle at their lame come-on or attempt at a joke, and also that they should immediately cease entertaining all thoughts that I will give them a "massage" later.

Another trick is to say something inappropriate of the stereotype.

"This China doll is gonna whup yo' ass," I said, with the biggest gangster-sounding accent I could muster. "Yeah, you heard me, this China doll is gonna WHUP YO' ASS."

Okay, I didn't really say it. Not out loud or in public anyway.